On a roll

I was partially inspired by my string of updates on my stupidity and a recent post on sorting hogs from the Sugar Creek Farm blog.

I might as well use the excuse of being under the influence of pain medication for snitching on myself. There are some tales that are worth telling even when I am the epicenter of the moron universe.

We had to borrow the stock trailer from our good friends Jim and Laura to load and haul my daughters hog to the fair grounds. This was our first year participating in 4H and showing livestock so I thought it was important to act as if we were in the show classes although she was in pee wee class. The pee wees don’t have to adhere to the same rules as the other kids because it is their first year. A dry run of sorts.

It was my intention to load “Rocket” the night before but we didn’t get home till well after dark. There is no such thing as a quick trip to Jim and Lauras. We really enjoy visiting with them and Katy breaks out in spasms when we tell her that we will pay a visit. These folks have a collection of critters that is huge by my standards. I’m talking (not an accurate audit, but in the neighborhood of) 6 horses, a jersey milk cow, angus steer, several hogs, numerous goats, ducks, geese, turkeys, turkens, chickens, rabbits, 5 or 6 dogs and some cats….I’m sure I am missing something, but you get the idea. Laura also lets Katy milk the goats and ride the horses so she just feels like she is part of the operation.

Getting home as late as we did it just didn’t seem like a very good idea to try loading Rocket in poor light. We hadn’t set anything up for the loading, so it was a no- brainer to get an early start the next morning. I usually wake up unaided around 5:30a. My wife enjoys sleeping in when she doesn’t have to get up for her work. She has no problem staying in the sack till well past 10:00a if she could get away with it.

So when I woke up a 3:30a I moved in to the living room and curled up on the couch so I wouldn’t disturb her. I would just toss and turn if I had stayed in bed. I knew I would be up in plenty of time to get everything that needed to be done before we had to be at the hog barn.

I knew I was in trouble when I woke up and Theresa was standing there with a cup of coffee in her hand. I sorta yelled “Whhaat time is it?!!!” She calmly, and with a look of complete disgust informed me it was 10 minutes after 7:00a. Then she stood there and stared at me with those laser beam eyes trying to burn the word “asshole” on my forehead for yelling at her.

“CRAP!!!”

I wanted to be at the fair grounds by 9:00a (but did not have to be there) and we hadn’t even started to load the darn hog.

So….I jump up off the couch and slide into the first pair of footwear I run across( Berkenstocks). Run out of the house for the pig pen without putting on my pants, and started to pull together panels to make a run to the trailer.

I’m pissed because I think I’m late for something that I am not late for. I’m in a pig pen in Berkenstocks and underwear trying to get an animal to get into a trailer that he has never been in before. All this with an attitude that would scare the hell out of anything with half a brain. I have read that some experts rank porcine intelligence right behind apes and dolphins.

Rocket was having no part of this trailer business. The other hogs were more than willing to hop into the trailer for a trip to the park. They were like our dogs ready to take a ride, tails wagging and all.

I now believe that this was a conspiracy put in play by the hogs and my wife. My lovely brides’ evil plan to get photographic proof of my idiocy was foiled by her having to pretend she was giving me a helping hand.

My poor attitude, slipping and sliding in hawg crap in Berkenstocks and underwear, three hundred something pound pigs stepping on sandal shod feet, and my daughter getting upset because mom and dad are getting upset for varied reasons wasn’t enough to spike out my ever increasing blood pressure. No……

Here comes the two guys that I had talked to earlier in the week from the tree trimming contractor that was working in the area for the electric co-op about dumping their load off the chipper truck.

These hard working gentlemen pulled up, surveyed the scene before them, and without as much as a grin, dumped their load and headed off down the hill.

I swear I could hear them laughing their asses off all the way back out to the state highway.

We finally persuaded Rocket into the trailer only after I calmed down, said a little prayer for my peace and a return to sanity.

Katy had a wonderful week at the fair and two ol’ boys from Potosi got another story to tell their buddies at the bar about some moron trying to load hogs in his underwear and sandals.

I love my life.

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12 Comments

  1. edifice rex said,

    October 10, 2007 at 7:38 PM

    Pretty good, Woody but I think I can top you on the moron scale.

  2. Woody said,

    October 10, 2007 at 8:31 PM

    I’ll bite….?

  3. Kirsty said,

    October 11, 2007 at 4:33 AM

    I can just imagine those guys talking on the way back! LOLI wish your wife had snapped a pic hehe How is your bum going? hope your feeling better!

  4. karl said,

    October 11, 2007 at 5:26 AM

    wonderful, thanks for the morning laugh.k-)

  5. Ed Abbey said,

    October 11, 2007 at 6:32 AM

    Loading hogs onto a trailer when they’ve never seen one before is a herculean effort. I’ve been there and done that. I did finally discover the secret after several years. I back the trailer up to the door, fence it off and give the hogs free rein to check it out all night long. Usually by morning, I find about half of them in the trailer and the other half have been in there sometime during the night and are more willing to go. It still takes a lot of sweat equity to get’em all loaded up. Great story.

  6. October 11, 2007 at 3:20 PM

    Love it! Good story.Great laugh—bet those guys will talk about it for years! Sorry to embarrass you– but you have to admit it IS funny :-DMonica

  7. edifice rex said,

    October 11, 2007 at 4:33 PM

    I’ll try to post my story soon on my blog and you can see what you think. 😉

  8. Danielle said,

    October 12, 2007 at 5:50 AM

    Too funny. Well, I assume if you can play pig-poo slip ‘n slide in your birks that you’re feeling a wee bit better. Every time I hear a pig loading story, I feel just a little bit better about our own fiasco this spring. Thank god we weren’t in our underwear though! I did have a nice hog panel bruise running the width of my thigh for days, though, where they tried to ram their way out. You’re one brave man, Woody, loading a pig in skivies and birks. I’m going to imagine you in some respectable form of boxer short because the idea of tighty-whities is just too damn laughable to think about—never mind the other even more absurd options. roflmao

  9. Woody said,

    October 12, 2007 at 6:02 AM

    It feels good to laugh at myself…Danielle..No, I’m not feeling any better. This story took place in July. I just have way too much time on my hands right now (won’t be able to go back to work for at least 6 more weeks says the doc). And just what the heck is wrong with a thong…lol

  10. Peggy said,

    October 14, 2007 at 4:41 PM

    Sorry, but I did have to laugh a little. I have a lot of stupid stories I could tell but thank goodness I was the only human around most of those times and the animals promised not to tell. LOL

  11. Annie said,

    October 25, 2007 at 8:37 AM

    lol, I can just picture that in my mind! that was a hilarious story! You write so well, I wish I had a talent to write like you do!So glad everything turned out well!

  12. Twinville said,

    March 15, 2008 at 5:49 PM

    I stumbled upon your blog through Danni’s, and I’m having a ball reading through your past posts. Gosh you lead an interesting life!!The vision of you herding pigs in skivvies and birks had me giggling so hard that my cat just hopped up from my lap and ran away in disgust! hahaBTW, it says a whole heck of alot about a man who isn’t too proud to share ALL the ups and downs and especially the mistakes and goof-ups of his life.We can all learn from them…or laugh at them! heheThanks!


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